your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i already hear my dad disowning me
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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