drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
