you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
