i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
