I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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