I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
