Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
