What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
His hands were made for my vagina.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
