I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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