Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
