paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
