i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
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