I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
