i jhust puked up my retainher.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
