life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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