You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
