it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
