you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
