we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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