i just wanna soil my oats bro
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Randomize
