You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
