How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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