So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
