He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
