Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
