I wish I could punch you in the face.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
