last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
