we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
