so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
