I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
