I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
