I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
