I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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