from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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