Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
even my farts smell like vagina
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
