I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
