I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
