My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
