Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
