Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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