i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
the liver wants what the liver wants
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
