I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i think i have herpe
just one?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
