She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
