Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
me + whiskey = a bad person
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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