I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I fill condoms, not promises.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
