Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
