I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
