So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Randomize
