I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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