Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
