I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The feeling are messing with the penis
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
